Of Achieving Stability When
by DeathOfAMockingbird
Summary: ...Your World Has Been Thrown Out Of Balance. A follow up to "What Happens When The Woman You Love Knocks On Your Door At One In The Morning". Its posted as a separate story as it's in a different writing style and I wanted to leave the original on its own. Sort of an explanation/continuation concerning "What Happens When..." Rated MA at the end.


A/N: So, this is a follow up to my previous fic, What Happens When The Woman You Love Knocks On Your Door At One In The Morning. It is NOT in first person because I don't especially excel at that point of view. Rated MA towards the end.

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Unbalanced. That's how Olivia Benson would describe herself, standing outside of the Alex's office, nervously wiping her sweaty palms on her slacks, debating whether she should knock or not. It was a strange sight to behold, the feared SVU detective standing in a bustling hall, glaring at a door as if it had insulted every fiber of her being. Despite the business of the morning, Olivia seemed not to notice the odd looks she was receiving from Alex's peers and coworkers.

It had been six weeks; six fucking weeks, since she had seen the best ADA New York had to offer. Six weeks since Alex had bolted out of her apartment like a bat out of hell, leaving Olivia confused and hurt in her wake, unable to understand the sudden departure of the woman she loved and left in an unsteady state.

Alex had cashed in her saved time and seemed to disappear off the face of the earth entirely. No one seemed to know where the attorney had gone off to, but almost everyone agreed she deserved the time off. Had she not been so desperate to see her, Olivia would not have had a second thought about the whereabouts of the ADA, knowing the woman hadn't taken time off in far too long.

But six weeks of dealing with the worst scum New York had to offer without the blonde's presence had been wearing down on her morale. She was losing her drive, her passion. She seemed to be slowing down, like a clock that needed to be rewound. She didn't eat much, though she claimed she just didn't eat at work, and rarely slept.

Everyone at the precinct had noticed the drastic changes in Olivia's behavior, as well as her demeanor. She seemed to sag, no longer carrying the air of confidence that had earned her a spot on the SVU squad. The only things she thought about were the cases and Alex.

Alex.

Olivia had started detouring through the DA's office on her way into and out of work almost everyday, in hopes of spotting the elusive ADA. She had been questioned about her presence at first, though it became obvious when she lingered outside of Cabot's office door for a few minutes, before continuing on.

Though she had been put on paid leave for the last week, by order of an increasingly concerned Captain Cragen, she still found herself at the DA office, her subconscious forcing her up of her couch twice a day in search of the woman who had thrown her world completely off balance.

Finally she caught a glimpse of Alex leaving work the night before. Olivia spent the rest of the night trying to figure out how to approach her. It was clear she was being avoided, and, while Olivia wanted to respect Alex's unspoken wish to steer clear, she felt as if she might expire if she didn't get the chance to talk to her.

Which brought her back to the solid wooden door in front of her. She knew she was getting looks from other ADA's in the area. While it was not unusual for Olivia to visit Alex, her motionless form in front of Alex's office was off putting.

Raising her fist, Olivia was about to knock, but missed the door, as it was suddenly flung open. Without warning, Alex pulled Olivia into her office by the front of her shirt and slammed the door. She had gotten a call about her guest and was anxious to prevent Olivia from causing a scene.

The first thing Olivia notices was how pale and bony Alex looked. Sure, the attorney had always had a rather slight frame and fair skin, but she seemed almost emaciated. Her skin was a sallow, an ashen shade and her power suit hung loosely from her thin form. Despite this, she still looked as put together as ever.

The same could not be said for Olivia.

Though she looked as professional as ever, one of her better shirts had been donned at the prospect of seeing the ADA, she had heavy bags under her eyes and appeared to have lost weight herself. The most alarming thing, however, was the dead look in her eyes. In all of her time in SVU, through all of the nightmarish cases they'd dealt with, never had Olivia looked so bad.

After a few moments of taking in the physical changes of the other, time seemed to restart. Olivia's eyes darted around before she spun around, grabbing the doorknob, flinging the door open, and bolting down the hall. She didn't feel the eyes of the office on her, didn't acknowledge anyone as she fled from the building, all thoughts other than running having left her mind.

Alex, for her part, was stunned. She knew her sudden departure had jarred the detective, but never could she have anticipated such results upon her return. She could feel the burning stares of her coworkers but felt frozen, staring out the door of her office, unable to properly process what had just happened.

Finally, her mind seemed to catch up. She moved around her desk, grabbing her jacket, before making a hasty exit of her own. Checking her watch, she oriented herself, turning in the direction of the precinct. It was time this ridiculousness was put to an end.

Catching a cab, she quickly made it to the precinct. Alex felt her heart drop when Elliot informed her of Olivia's leave time. Olivia was on forced leave? It had gotten that bad?

"It's been like this for weeks. Ever since you left, its like she's lost her will."

Though no one stated it out right, she could feel the accusation of everyone's eyes, the blame they placed on her having drawn the connection between her absence and Olivia's strange behavior. They knew that Olivia had developed less than professional feelings for Alex. They were detectives, in any case, observing and drawing conclusions from said observations was their job.

Giving a stiff nod, she turned on her heels, exiting the bullpen as quickly as she had entered, heading for Olivia's apartment as if on autopilot, contemplating the effects of her sudden departure. While she had expected the detective to be shaken up, she could have never anticipated this.

As she walked the streets to Olivia's home, she couldn't stop her mind from drifting to the cause of this whole ordeal. She had thought about it everyday, sitting in her vacation home in the Berkshires.

It happened as it always did. She got hammered and showed up on Olivia's doorstep. Of course the detective let her in, as per the norm, but this time it was different. It had happened a number of times, these little rendezvous; she herself had always instigated them.

Which led her to a new line of thinking. Why had she begun this whole farce? She knew she had feelings for the handsome detective, so why play this game? Of course she knew the answer to this question. After all, she asked herself every time she left the Olivia in the morning.

Pausing her brisk step, she wiped at tears that had appeared without her permission, disgust at her own behavior once again surfacing. She had yanked Olivia around by her emotions, relishing the control, the power, that she felt coursing through her veins as she manipulated the kind detectives feelings.

Part of her wanted to turn around, to flee back to the Berkshires, she still had plenty of vacation time she could use anyway, but a larger part knew she needed to stop, to face Olivia and beg for her forgiveness. Steeling herself, she began walking again, noticing how close she was to the detective's building.

Finally, she stood in front of Olivia's building, feeling rooted to the spot. People bumped and jostled by her on the street, but Alex couldn't bring herself to take the last steps before her. Looking up, her eyes were immediately drawn to the window to her living room. How many times had they sat together watching a movie or having a beer after a hard case? How many times had she gotten Olivia to scream as she ravished her on the couch or floor, having never made it to the bedroom?

But it was all a charade. Her feelings may have been real, but she had Olivia under false pretense, always arriving smelling of Scotch, the only drink strong enough to lower her inhibitions enough to seek out the detective in a way more intimate than just friends.

Why had she fled? What made it so different? It was hardly the first time she had gotten Olivia to moan her name in the throws of pleasure. But it felt different from the get go. It felt different as she dawned her outfit of choice, as she grabbed a cab before reaching her destination, as knocked on Olivia's door. She had been asking herself that over the past six weeks and couldn't figure it out. Perhaps that question could be answered tonight.

Suddenly she felt her feet bolting for the door. A resident was exiting and she didn't want to have to buzz in. With a calmness she didn't realize she was still capable of expressing, she found herself conversing with Olivia's elderly neighbor. They had met multiple times, in situations just like this, as one arrived and one departed.

"Oh, Alexandra! It's nice to see you. It's been ages!"

It was a comment made in passing, and Alex was only able to greet the woman with a similar sentiment, as she rushed out into the busy streets of New York, but they hit so close to home. The last time she saw her was the day before her impromptu vacation.

Walking over to the elevators, she pushed the up arrow and waited. Thankfully the lift she entered was empty. Pressing the four, she leaned back onto the wall of the elevator. Would Olivia even let her in? She may have had a key, but there was no way she would let herself into her apartment.

With a ding, the elevator doors open and Alex felt like she was on autopilot again as she navigated the halls, before coming to a stop in front of Olivia's door. Taking a deep breath, she knocked three times, before taking a step back.

For a moment there was silence, but then she could just make the sound of shuffling behind the door before silence once more. She knew Olivia had looked out the peephole, as she always did. This was the moment of truth. Either she would be let in or she would be turned away. Alex could feel her heart race, as time seemed to slow.

When the door opened, she let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding.

They found themselves staring across at each other once more, both noting the redness of the others eyes and understanding the implications. Alex had not been the only one to shed tears in their time apart.

In fact, the moment she stepped out of Alex's office earlier, the tears finally fell. She had felt them burning behind her eyes and couldn't stop them even if she had wanted to. Olivia hadn't cried so much since that night, six weeks prior. Detouring at the park where they had had an impromptu lunch a few months earlier, she relived the memory, the bright sun, the pleasant atmosphere, and Alex's laugh when she said something particularly funny, until she couldn't take it anymore and rushed to the safety and privacy of her home.

She had been lying on her bed when she heard the knock. She knew immediately it was Alex; she had always had a particular way of knocking, even if she didn't know it. Part of her wanted to pretend like she hadn't heard it, to leave Alex out in the cold as she had been, but the rest of her desperately wanted to see her, to speak to her, to have her questions answered, and, most of all, get things back to normal.

When she saw the red around Alex's eyes, she almost burst into tears all over again.

Moving away from the door, she was relieved when Alex took the unspoken invitation and entered, moving immediately to her spot on the couch, waiting for Olivia to join her. They sat in uncomfortable silence for a few moments before Olivia blurted out the one thought she had had since Alex's departure.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Please don't leave me again! I'll do anything!"

Alex felt her heart break. She had inflicted so much damage on such a good, wholesome person. It was inexcusable. Reaching over, she took Olivia's hands in her own, kissing the knuckles of each.

"Please don't ever say that this is your fault. I have been taking advantage of you and your feelings, twisting them for my own pleasure. Never apologize to me when you did nothing wrong."

She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. She needed to explain herself. Olivia deserved at the very least an explanation. Looking her dead in the eyes, she began as best she could.

"Olivia, I-I'm so sorry I put you through this. It-it was never supposed to happen like this. I was going to ask you on a date, and we were going to go to dinner and maybe a movie and it was going to be everything I had ever wanted with you."

Taking a deep breath, she felt the tears well up in her eyes, but pushed on as it looked like Olivia was going to interrupt. She needed to get her thoughts out.

"I-I have no excuse for my behavior, for using you like that. I thought I was worthy, but wasn't and I'm not. I'm a coward and a villain. You deserve so much more. I disregarded your feeling for the feeling of power I got when I manipulated the feelings you had for me. When-when I drink, I'm not myself, but I needed some liquid courage and I was trying to drown out my own insecurities and I took it too far."

Standing up suddenly, she began to pace in front of her.

"I missed you every single day, but I couldn't return. Not until I had sorted out all of my thoughts and feelings. You are an amazing woman, and I was so blessed you even looked noticed me, nerveless were attracted to me. But fear of what people would say began to overtake me. I could only seek you out in the dead of night, my mind fogged with alcohol."

Alex wanted to punch something, but she could never bring herself to destroy Olivia's property. If it ever got out that she had trashed the living room of her home in the Berkshires, she wasn't sure what she would do. She didn't know where this sudden need for violence stemmed from, but she refused to give into it in front of Olivia.

Coming to a stop, she got on her knees and took Olivia's hands once more.

"I had such a good thing going, and I let my cowardice get in the way. With every fiber of my being, I want you to know that I am so sorry, for everything I did to you and for every moment I hurt you."

By now she was full on sobbing. Leaning forward, touching her forehead to their clasped hands she cried, begging forgiveness from the woman she loved.

Standing, Olivia pulled Alex to her feet and wrapped her arms around her and whispering sweet nothings of forgiveness and love. Her heart swelled, finally understanding why Alex had been behaving so bizarrely and that she did love her and that her actions were fueled by fear rather than rejection.

When Alex's tears finally started to subside, she moved to pull away, ashamed that Olivia had to comfort her when she was the one who had wreaked the havoc on them and their chances for a romantic relationship. Once again she was taking advantage of Olivia, manipulating her into believing that she was the prey, not the predator.

Before she could get away, she felt Olivia's hold tighten, demanding the closeness she craved. Breathing in the soothing scent of pure Olivia, Alex allowed herself to relax into the embrace and return it.

After what felt like eternity, they finally pulled away, but Olivia insisted on at least holding Alex's hand, a desire that Alex was more than happy to oblige.

"I love you, Alex, and I want you never to be afraid of what other people might say. I will protect you, no matter what."

Before she could stop herself, she leaned forward, pressing her lips to Alex's. For a split moment, there was no response, but then Alex's mind caught up and she returned the kiss enthusiastically. It was meant to be quick, reassuring, and comforting, which it was. But it had also sparked a desire in both of them that they had not felt since Alex's hasty retreat six weeks prior.

Heartened by Alex's eagerness, Olivia leaned in once more, claiming Alex's lips, for once taking control of the situation. She could feel her heart beating; sure that Alex could hear its heavy thump within her chest. It was so similar to their encounters, but so different in every way that mattered.

There was no challenge in Alex's response, no push to go faster or try harder. Just Olivia and Alex, two people madly in love that had been reunited after a long tremulous separation.

As they continued to kiss, Olivia's hands began to drift, rubbing soft circles on Alex's sides, and Alex pulled her closer, her hands threaded through her rumpled hair. Finally pulling back for air, Alex tried to gather her thoughts, but they were thrown right out the window as Olivia's lips descended on her neck.

Moaning loudly, Alex tilted her neck, allowing her lover more access. Olivia sucked on the sensitive skin at the hollow of Alex's throat, remembering how sensitive she was there and drawing out another deep moan. Smiling to herself, she reached up to reclaim Alex's lips, swallowing the moans she let out as Olivia's hands pushed up the edges of the shirt and began to stroke the bare skin she found there.

Pulling away after one last kiss, Olivia led Alex to her bedroom. Never before had they made it that far, which was just one change. But they weren't just going to have sex. Olivia wouldn't wake up alone. They were going to make love, to give themselves over to the other as completely and fully as they could.

Olivia took the lead, pushing Alex's jacket off her shoulders and too the floor, before the shirt followed. Before she could remove her skirt, Alex seemed to snap back, pulling at the blue blouse Olivia had thrown on that morning. Her hands were shaking and she couldn't steady them enough to undo the many buttons. Before she could rip the damn shirt, Olivia took her hands in her own, whispering words patience and love, unbuttoning the shirt herself.

Pushing it off her shoulders, Alex couldn't help but pause at the sight before her. Olivia was wearing a simple white tank and her work pants, topped off with a shiny silver belt buckle. Though Alex had seen this look before, normally as they would down after a particularly stressful day, seeing her now, with a look of love and longing in her eyes, Alex had to remind herself to breath and pray that she didn't start drooling. While Olivia was thinner, she still had quite the impressive musculature.

Olivia took advantage of Alex's distracting, attaching her lips to Alex's neck once more, fiddling with the little zipper at the back of her skirt and teasing the soft skin, the little dimples, marking her lower back. All hopes of disrobing Olivia any further flew out her mind as her skirt pooled at her feet.

Leading her to the bed, Olivia admired the striking image of just Alex in her blue lace undergarments. She too was thinner, but not nearly as emaciated as she had thought earlier. In the past, the disrobing part of their encounters was quick and urgent, but the slower pace seemed only ratchet their desire.

Lying back against the pillows at the head of Olivia's bed, Alex watched with interest as Olivia pulled her undershirt from her pants and over her head, tossing it somewhere in the room. Reaching out, she grabbed at Olivia's belt, her hands steady enough to quickly unbuckle it. Undoing the little button and zipper holding her pants up, Alex watched as they too pooled at Olivia's feet.

Alex's desire spiked at the sight of Olivia in just her white cotton underwear and she reached up, pulling her closer. As Olivia settled between her legs, holding herself over the ADA, Alex couldn't help but reach up for a kiss. Throwing her head back with a moan, Olivia took the invitation, once again focusing her attentions in Alex's neck, suckling and nipping, marking Alex as hers.

As her lover's moans got louder, Olivia began to move lower, nipping at her collarbone before moving to the tops of her breasts. Reaching around, she quickly unlatched Alex's bra, freeing her breasts from their confines. Olivia couldn't stop the low growl in the back of her throat. Though she had seen them before, the sight of them never ceased to arouse her.

Leaning down, she sucked a nipple into her mouth, teasing the other with her hand until she had Alex writhing beneath her, begging for a reprieve from the overwhelming pleasure and the privilege of seeing Olivia as well. Pausing long enough to pull her own bra off, she returned to Alex's mouth, drawing more moans.

Finally, Olivia began her descent, leaving a trail of burning kisses that had Alex making noises Olivia had never heard from her lover before. Reaching her destination, she pulled down the scrap of blue lace masquerading as panties. Grinning up at Alex, Olivia dove right in, seeking out her clit like a heat seeking missile. Alex gave a shriek of pleasure as her lover sucked the bundle of nerves into her mouth, bringing her so close to the edge.

"Please, I need you inside! Hurry!"

Olivia moaned as Alex begged for more. Alex did not be, and had adamantly refused to beg when past lovers wanted her to, but she couldn't stop the words as they rolled off her tongue. She was so close.

When two of Olivia's fingers began to tease, she gave a grunt of frustration, her hips rising to meet them. Finally giving in, she pushed her fingers in, enjoying the silky texture and warmth. She could feel Alex pulsing around her fingers and cherished the sounds that came from Alex as she got closer and closer to the brink.

Alex could tell she was almost to the brink. Reaching out blindly, she pulled Olivia back up, kissing her soundly as the waves of pleasure crashed over her. As Olivia's fingers kept moving, she could feel another release creeping up, before once again sending her over the edge, screaming Olivia's name.

Easing out, Olivia captured Alex's lips once more, their kiss slow and languid as Alex tried to recover from her mind-blowing orgasms. Never before had she been able to achieve more than one.

Panting as she regained her breath, Alex rolled them over so that she straddled her lover, finally having a moment to appreciate Olivia's beauty. As she nibbled her nipples, Olivia keened and moaned, loving the attention to her overly sensitive breasts. Suckling on one breast and massaging the other, her free hand began to snake down Olivia's body.

Relishing the wetness she found at her destination, she moaned, the vibrations and sensations causing Olivia to arch her back and roll her hips towards the pleasurable sensations. Gently pushing in two fingers, she moved her mouth to Olivia's once more, swallowing her moans. Easing in a third, Olivia threw her head back releasing more sounds of pleasure.

Olivia gave scream as Alex suddenly pressed down on her distended clit, triggering her climax. Watching Alex lick her fingers clean was erotic, ending with Olivia pulling her down for another passionate kiss.

Crawling under the covers, Olivia pulled Alex to her, exhaustion taking over her mind, fogging her thoughts. Alex too felt as if she were about the fall asleep. Alex soon fell asleep to the steady beat of Olivia's heart, and Olivia to her lover's steady breathing. They were one, in mind, body, and soul, having reached equilibrium, having finally achieved a sense of stability in the chaos that had reigned over them for far too long.

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A/N: Hope you guys liked it! Review if you've got a moment.


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